YES WE DID!

After taking 8 months off from contributing to this blog, I have quit my job in Harrisburg, moved to Washington DC, began graduate school and almost went insane in the process. However I’ve finally settled down and decided to start writing again, for no other reason than I need a secure outlet to tangibly observe the world… we all need outlets.

And since I was MIA during this once in a lifetime election I wanted to provide some of my more colorful synopsis of Obama V. McCain. Or should I say Obama v. Joe Six Pack, a.k.a. Joe the Plumber, a.k.a. “Real America” a.k.a. Moose Hunter Sally a.k.a. Hockey Mom Hanna a.k.a. Gee Golly Witikers Wonda a.k.a. Sarah Palin. (okay those last few were a bit unfair)

This election had it all and then some; it had everything a political junkie could ask for. It had inconclusive and ever changing poll numbers, larger than life candidates (Biden’s teeth count as an entire candidate) majestic speeches, candidate gaffs that could light up the Apollo, political commercials abound, cheep stunts, flashy wardrobes, pit bulls with and without lipstick, flag pins, terrorist fist jabs, sexism, racism, ageism, hockey momism and every other sort of ism one could imagine, to use a phrase from my generation, it was like…totally awesome.

It all started when Obama picked Biden as VP over “I’d rather watch paint dry” Tim Kaine and “It’s the political equivalent of kissing my sister” Evan Bayh. Republicans had little to cry about, Biden was qualified, a fighter, and had an encyclopedia like knowledge in his understanding of foreign affairs. And of course Hillary supporters bitched and complained because their gal was left blowing in the wind. Obama gave a moving and rousing speech at the DNC where he proclaimed that McCain simply “didn’t get it” to which of course Obama was referring to the number of houses John McCain himself owned.

Then came the RNC, where Joe “Schlieberman” Lieberman went out of his way to bash his one time ally Obama, who campaigned for him just two years earlier and helped the poor schmuck get reelected after loosing in his own freakin’ primary. Then Sarah Palin spoke, displaying her razor sharp talent of reading off of a teleprompter. She made fun of community organizers, roused up the crowd by leading a Drill Baby Drill chant, made a joke about pit bulls and lipstick and mentioned guns and taxes a whole bunch…that was about it.

Then came September, Obama visited Iraq and Europe, gave a big speech in front of more people than you would find at a Beatles concert and was later ridiculed in the infamous Brittney Spears, Paris Hilton “Celebrity” political ad. As if wanting the European community to actually support and be intrigued by the next possible leader of the free world was somehow a bad thing. Obama raises 75 million and McCain gets to enjoy tax payer funded campaign finances, bean soup and Red Roof In’s for the next two months. Obama says that McCain is “losing his Barings” and is “erratic” and is accused of ageism, yet no one cares. McCain put out an ad that accuses Obama of wanting to invite 6 year olds over to his home where he would personally teach them about sex education with cabbage patch dolls and a laser pointer, or something like that. Obama goes to Florida and try's to scare old people into voting for him, saying that McCain would take their social security money and give it to Wal-Street to use for toilet paper; which was partly true.

Then the Market crashes and a lot of people lose a lot of homes and stuff, 700 billion dollars is printed from the Fed and given to the Treasury, Paulsen uses it for insulation or something. McCain “suspends” his campaign to fly to Washington to solve the economic crisis, (as of today the Dow is down 6,000 points, way to fuck that one up John). McCain threatens to not show up for the first debate; he does anyway after realizing in doing so would make him look like a douche bag and senile all at the same time. He gets his ass handed too him as indicated by a slew of post debate polls, and yet somehow Sean Hannity over at Fox Noise continues to insist that Obama is the anti-Christ and will eat your children. Due to Obama’s steadfast and calm demeanor during the bailout weeks, he comes off as looking, you know presidential and consequently solidifies his lead in the polls, jumping over the ever allusive and perceptually important 50% mark.

Then comes October, Sean Hannity and William Crystal have an on screen orgasm because finally the main stream media decides to run stories on William Ayers, Obama’s best friend and gay lover, who happens to be a domestic terrorist, even though these stories have been readily available to the American public for 7 months. McCain does not bring up the Ayers or Wright connection in the second debate because he feels they are “off limits” and “not what the American people care about”, he gets his ass kicked anyway (as decided by post debate independent polls). In the third debate the phrase Joe the Plumber is used something like 25 times and as a consequence this bald headed tax evader from Ohio becomes an instant celebrity (only in America). McCain brings up Ayers because he doesn’t want to get his ass kicked, and yet he still gets his assed kicked.

In the midst of Sarah Palin refusing to do a single interview for the first 3 weeks, October rolls around and the opium like high that some in the hierarchy of the republican base had once felt, begins to ware off and the realization that Sarah Palin is an idiot and isn’t fit to be vice president of her local PTA begins to set in. She claims that Alaska’s proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience, she can’t define the Bush doctrine, can’t name a single Supreme Court case that she disagrees with other than Roe v. Wade (which any 4th grader with a speech impediment can name), she can’t name one magazine, newspaper or periodical she reads (probably because she doesn’t) and she claims that the Iraq war was God’s will…and I could go on and on, but I’d rather not re live those horrifying days.

Late October rolls around; Obama widens his lead in VA, PA, CO, NM and begins to make headway in FL, NC, NV, OH and yes MT. Palin says that Obama is “pall’n around with terrorists” and declares that apparently there are some people in this country who are “real” Americans, which by logical reasoning, (although she doesn’t say it) means that there are some of us who are not “real” Americans, which I was eager to find out who, but never did. McCain declares Obama is a socialist even though his hero Teddy Roosevelt was too (progressive tax system). Biden thinks that FDR was president during the great depression and Obama plays basketball whenever he can.

November 4th comes and Obama punches McCain in the face politically speaking, winning in places that Democrats haven’t won since Jefferson (not really) like in Indiana, North Carolina, and Virginia and Nebraska’s second district. A landslide victory is declared at 11:02pm by MSNBC in the form of a 360 + to 170+ electoral college victory and the first black man is elected to serve as president of a country that just 40 years prior legally sanctioned segregated schools, busses, restaurants and movie theaters based on skin color alone. Obama gives a rousing speech in Grant Park in Chicago in front of 400,000 screaming Obamaniacs, where he asks American’s to sacrifice, while McCain gives a speech in his mom’s garage asking Americans to do whatever President-elect Obama asks.

And there it was my own little sarcastic yet equally gratifying synopsis of the presidential election, I obviously left out some stuff so I’m open to suggestions as to what I should have added.